Everything you've read about me is a lie:
I detest the colour red, look away
at the sight of ketchup, traffic lights
and postboxes. I like the colour blue.
Or yellow. Yellow's good. The old woman?
I visit my Nan, who runs a B&B in Hastings,
come back stinking of the sea and vinegar.
Pets? I once befriended a fox in my garden,
fed it greenish strips of bacon studded with bluebottles.
Didn't seem to mind. But a fox isn't exactly a wolf,
is it now? And reports of footage of me on the internet?
Those costumes aren't mine. I know nothing about special
effects or make-up. I can't do impressions; have never been
to a wood. Listen, my name is Dave. I work in an office.